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• Allymum

  

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  April 4, 2011 5:37:20 PM EST

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  Again, opening myself up for a flaming here... BUT.. I don't understand women who say that they don't mind their husband or partner watching porn because they know they still prefer them to the pornstars...
  
  I think that's totally false. If he preferred his partner, wouldn't he look at his partner, rather thank just some skank?? I think he's showing that he obviously doesn't prefer his partner..
  
  And I really think that if a woman turns her head when hubby watches porn, she should also do it if he has an affair. Not much difference in my eyes. Mental/Emotional/Physical  betrayal is all the same to me.
  
  Bottom line is I have too much respect for myself to tolerate any form of betrayal.. :-) As I've said before.. I'm either enough for hubby, or I'm not. Simple!
  
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• MadMummaof3

  

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  April 4, 2011 5:07:48 PM EST

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   Thanks stace! You took the words right out of my mouth/fingers, whatever.
  
  I'm fine with my husband occasionally looking at porn, because given the choice he would always prefer me! He doesn't have to hide it from me, because we don't hide things from each other. Sometimes he needs to masturbate, which requires a visual aid, and since I have neither the time nor inclination to provide such, porn does come in handy! Everyone does it, so why make him feel bad about it?
  It's when a perfectly attractive wife/partner is there but the man chooses porn, or when the porn is graphic, fetish etc that I would think there would be an issue.
  
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• MadMummaof3

  

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  April 4, 2011 6:41:39 PM EST

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   Allymum - isn't that the beauty of this site? We don't have to understand each others views but we can still respect them.
  
  
  
  Sometimes I'm not in the mood and I don't think there's anything wrong with my husband taking care of himself in that situation. I just spent nearly 4 months vomiting daily with this pregnancy, it kind of killed our sex life. Since I'm not willing to lay there naked while he does it or take pictures of myself, I am comfortable with him occasionally looking at porn. I don't see it as any kind of betrayal, he isn't touching the woman in the magazine, he has no emotional connection to her, he is simply using an image as a visual aid. Just as it isn't cheating when I read romance novels!
  
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• kimmy731

  

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  April 4, 2011 1:09:04 PM EST

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  This is absolutely wrong and i can not believe that so many women really truly in their hearts believe that it's ok for their partners to have this most private of connections with someone else.
  
  
  
  Exodus 20:14 "You shall not commit adultery."
  
  
  
  Matthew 5:28 "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart."
  
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• stace8383

  

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  April 4, 2011 4:36:40 PM EST

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  Kimmy, this isn't the Christian Mums group, please don't spit out that rubbish here. Not everybody believes it, and I'm kind of offended that you've imposed your values on me and others so forcefully. Try to be more open minded and forgiving.
  
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• jessbirch

  

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  April 4, 2011 4:48:26 PM EST

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  I just don't like it - bottom line. I don't want my hubby oogling other women!
  
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• kimmy731

  

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  April 5, 2011 9:54:53 AM EST

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   This response is directed to Stace. I was responding to Cathy. She was asking for all of our opinions not just those who agree with everyone else. It seems a bit hipercritical of you to assume that what I am saying is rubbish. There are many out there who believe what you are saying is rubbish and I find what you say about my beliefs to be offensive. It works both ways. It seems that you all get your say about what you think is correct but any one else who has a different opinion should just shut their mouths. It has nothing to do with being a Christian. When you get married you take an oath to honor your partner through the good and the bad. Not when things aren't so great in the bedroom we can go and find pleasure in someone else's body. A marriage is a sacred union between two people, not two people and how ever many pornstars you want. I have seen through friends of mine how destructive the "values" of this world can tear a marriage apart. Maybe you should be the one with an open mind. My intention was not to offend any one but to offer some guidance. It is up to Cathy to decide what advice she wants to listen to and what to do with that advice.
  
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• MadMel

  

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  April 6, 2011 7:57:11 PM EST

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   Kimmy, I didn't think your reply was wrong at all. I am not a 'churchy' at all, I don't even believe in the bible, however I accept that some people do, and I am not holding that against anyone (you included). Everyone who's replied here has shared their values and beliefs about porn, and I think your reply is just as valid as the rest :) 
  
  
  
  My reply, is much the same as Ally (actually, she took the words out of my mouth). It's filthy and disgusting, and degrading. I am most upset that this stuff is often forced upon young girls and adults, it funds traffiking of not just the people doing the porn, but also the child sex slave industry... porn is a bad bad BAD thing on so many levels. 
  
  
  
  I feel for you OP. It would kill me that he was watching it, let alone hiding it from you and being so rude when you asked him about it :( Huge hugs to you. 
  
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• jessbirch

  

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  March 27, 2011 7:16:52 PM EST

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  Well said Allymum - I couldn't have said it better!
  
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• Cathy

  

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  March 28, 2011 5:14:55 PM EST

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  The thing is, 1/2 of it isn't man and woman anymore.... It's lesbians.... Men get off on lesbians and have all this stuff to say aboutgay men...
  
  
  
  I think it's the whole women with women that makes me feel sick the most.
  
   It's bloody disgusting.
  
  
  
  & I think in an earlier post  someone asked what upsets me most, it's all of it, the hiding it, the watching it when I'm not home, I think it's disgusting, that it goes on. It's not he doesn't get any at home...
  
  
  
  
  
  I have never been a fan of it since I can ever remember knowing of it's existance!!
  
  
  
  
  
  & Sorry I too used to believe that my husband had no intrest, but they all do have an intrest, I think you are fooling your self if you believe they don't! 
  
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• jessbirch

  

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  March 28, 2011 5:18:45 PM EST

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   Yes Cathy, I don't understand mens obsession with porn!
  
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• stace8383

  

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  March 28, 2011 6:04:54 PM EST

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  I know my husband watches a little bit occasionally, and I don't mind at all. There are times when we're apart, or when I'm just not in the mood, and it's fine for him to just do his thing. Heck, I've been known to watch it myself on occasion. I don't think I'd watch porn WITH my husband though; we like different things, and anyway, it would make me feel awkward. haha
  
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• misskylie

  

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  March 30, 2011 8:52:14 PM EST

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  I dont like it at all.  It most upsetting when its been hidden.  I also think he needs to watch other women to get off rather then think of his partner they need some help. But more so the whole thing about hiding it from the other partner.

  
  
• fluffyseana

  

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  March 30, 2011 3:22:49 PM EST

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   I had a similar problem a few years ago,  we had problems with our computer and I was trying to sort it I asked him if he had downloaded anything dodgey and he said no (he plays poker online) so I asked if he had been using a new site he said no.  A quick look in the history I was shocked (at this point I thought it would be a dodgey poker site I wasn't even looking for porn)
  
  So I asked him again out right " have you been doing anything dodgey? looking at anysites you shouldn't?" No. "porn?" No. Are you sure? Yes
  
  It broke my heart, he lied straight to my face, I am not entirely comfortable with the porn part anyway but the lying gutted me.  I told him I knew he was lying.
  
  Well to cut the story short bags where packed that day and then eventially unpacked.  It is still a sore point in this house.
  
  
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• micheleK

  

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  March 23, 2011 5:19:24 PM EST

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   I don't have a problem with it either, for hubby to watch alone or together. Its pretty normal for guys ......i think and if it makes you feel uncomftable thats okay, you dont have to watch it. were you upset that he watches it or that he had a secret stash that you didnt know about? 
  
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• Cheeseburger

  

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  March 23, 2011 5:37:35 PM EST

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  Porn dosent bother me but it did bother me when my husband had a secret stash, i 2 found it and had an issue with it so we spoke about it and how we feel and now he is very honest with me about it, i would rather have him look at porn then be with another woman!  ( i hope i havent offened anyone) 
• queenb0288

  

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  March 23, 2011 5:51:26 PM EST

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   Porn honestly doesn't bother me at all. I will watch it with my partner on the odd occassion but he doesn't watch it on his own.
  
  The only time it would bother me is if he tried to hide it from me or didn't tell me about it. Otherwise meh. We have a couple of dvds . . . 
  
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• mumplusme

  

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  March 23, 2011 6:27:16 PM EST

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  porn never used to bother me..... sorry to be the party pooper but now i do think it a big deal after finding out how many women are trafficked from country to country unwillingly and forced into different sex trades including pornography. i no longer think its ok and it mskes me sick to think that some of these girls are young teenagers being forced into an adult world. put simply if men didnt watch it then it wouldnt be produced.
  
  
  
  
  
  everytime i think of it now i think what if that wass my daughter? the reality is that these girls all are someones daughter. 
  
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• JessnReags

  

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  March 23, 2011 6:51:04 PM EST

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  I am a bit weird on the subject.
  
  I don't like him hiding it from me, but I have learnt to except it.
  
  The only time he watches it is if I'm away or on the odd occasion we might watch it together. 
  
  I was the same, I found a stash and then found on the internet history all these sites and went bonkers.
  
  But, now I don't really care as he hardly watches it at all any more
  
   
  
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• jessbirch

  

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  March 23, 2011 7:24:22 PM EST

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  I am not a fan of pornography either Cathy. We don't have any dvds. I think it is normal to not want your man to look at other women naked! (And get off on it!!)
  
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• mummakate

  

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  March 23, 2011 8:10:22 PM EST

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  I've never been one to watch it myself (apart from the odd bit here and there which I found extremely amusing and not at all stimulating!).
  
  I don't know how I'd feel if my partner was watching it behind my back- I'd probably be a bit suss if I'm being honest.
  
  
  
  I don't really understand the appeal of it, but each to their own, and if my partner was open and honest about it then I'd probably be a lot more ok with it than if I "discovered" it.

  
  
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• tattoomummy

  

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  March 23, 2011 10:44:24 PM EST

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  I don't really mind either way. I know he's watched it/might still do, but as long as it's not while I'm "available" I don't care.
  
  
  
  If it's the whole watching another woman issue, you could perhaps make your own...? 
  
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• PassionateMum

  

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  March 24, 2011 12:25:40 AM EST

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  I could imagine how uncomfortable you must of felt, there is nothing worse then finding out he has hidden something from you, especially something involving sex, (as your sex life is a shared thing), I would be a little upset too mainly because it was something kept a secret, i would definatly have a chat about it, cause i it would be on my mind too much if i didnt...
  
  
  
  Im not personally into porn but i am a believer in making my partner happy so i would try to find out why he needs it. But it could be worse. I dont like the idea of my man enjoying looking at other women in a sexual way at all, but they are men and sometimes women take it more personal then it really is, it doesnt mean they dont love you or want something else , its just something out there, and sadly gets there attention.. 
  
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• Allymum

  

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  March 24, 2011 12:24:13 PM EST

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  Gosh, I'll get crucified here, but in saying that, this is MY opinion.. 
  
  I would not stay with someone who 'needs' to get off over other women, either I'm enough for my partner, or I'm not..
  
  I am extremely lucky that I have a partner who has no interest in watching women exploit themselves, or be exploited! I personally think it's disgusting, degrading and perverted. I also believe there must be serious issues with a person if they need to watch smut to get off when they have a partner, that even if they are going through a dry spell, they lack the imagination to conjur up some images of the partner they claim to love to help them acheive their goal..
  
  
  
  BUT, obviously a lot don't think like me, and that's cool..
  
  
  
  
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• MadMummaof3

  

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  March 23, 2011 5:11:45 PM EST

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  Porn doesn't bother me, I think it's a pretty normal male thing and there is a small collection of it on the top shelf of our closet. I think it can come in handy when I am not in the mood iykwim. As long as it is the usual naked ladies and nothing too disgusting, don't really see a problem.
  
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