Kidspot Social Forum

• AndreaSep78

  

  • 133 posts
  February 23, 2012 11:13:04 AM EST

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  So I have this very major dilemma and am totally at my wits last stand! Now my SS first claimed to have found $10 on his way home from school - believable yes sure. Then 30 minutes later he says he magically found $50 at the shops and so buys a $60 game.  How lucky! I deduced through the magic of addition and $50 missing from my chest of drawers that he had stolen it to buy himself the game.

  I am so tired of the lying and now that this has escalated to stealing I am seeing jail bars for him.  We have made him write out a punishment letter that he has signed and pasted up on to a wall that he will look at every day - it involves no privileges like games, computers, TV that he wants to watch, Pokemon tournaments until the end of Term 1 being 45 days long. 

  Is this enough? He is in line to see a counsellor next week anyways due to our major family fractures but now that his Dad is fully aware (he was in some denial about what everyone else could see and witnessed) that his little brain does not digest right from wrong is there any hope in this?

  I hate this not because of what he has done to his "parents" but what he is modeling to my 2 yo daughter; his half sister.

• queenb0288

  

  • 316 posts
  February 23, 2012 11:43:33 AM EST

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  I used to lie and steal from my mother when I was younger (and I mean $100 or $150 at a time)
  She knows I did it.
  I am not behind bars nor is there any chance of me going behind bars.
  One day I just grew up and realized what a f**king idiot I was being.
  Admittedly I had a nightmare childhood but still it's no excuse.
  I think children go through this stage of testing their parents and seeing what they can and can't get away with.
• s6ac89

  

  • 72 posts
  February 23, 2012 12:26:20 PM EST

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  getting him to acknowledge his misdeeds is important as is getting him to take responsibility, just make sure he knows you love him still, that it's the behaviour you dislike not him,- don't make it about his sister because if he is attention seeking because he feels out of place due to the sister then making it about his sister will likely make things worse not better. maybe get him to pay you back the $50 through chores? make it take longer than normal - if you normally gave $5 for washing the car make it $2.50 until he's paid back everything....the counsellor may help, especially if it turns out your son is just attention seeking. a childhood friend went through this when we were growing up she stole and lied etc. because she felt inadequate when her mum had another child (her mum did not intentionally make her feel less or realised my friend wasn't coping well with the new addition) after 4 or 5 years of struggling with her feeling she stole, lied, hit people etc. as a way to vent. not pretty. the difference with my friend though, her mum couldn't get her dad to help. so you getting your son's dad to see what's going on will be an advantage. good luck and let us know how things work out
  
• AndreaSep78

  

  • 133 posts
  February 23, 2012 2:19:30 PM EST

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  Oh please let him realise that queenb! :) His childhood has not been easy (reaaaaallly long story) and I've tried my hardest to be the best Mum I can be to him but I think you're right - he is really going to learn the hard way by testing the waters!
  Thanks s6ac89 - this was actually the first time I stood back and let Dad do the primary part of the discipline as he normally doesn't do a damn thing! Now that his perfect son is showing his true colours his Dad has really woken up to the fact that he needs help! This has been a major point of contention in our marriage and yes it has gotten worse since our daughter came along but keeping myself out of the initial discussions with him was the best thing I've done so far!
• stkildamum

  

  • 115 posts
  February 24, 2012 10:10:37 AM EST

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  I'm pretty sure it's attention seeking behavior. Although you must punish, don't dwell on the issue & keep giving his bad behavior attention. Make time for him to do 1 on 1 things he enjoys (perhaps with his father, if he was in denial maybe it was his attention the son was seeking??) Praise the good behavior - even normal behavior, "gee you've been so much fun to hang out with today" when hasn't been lying etc.
• rosemaryjune

  

  • 109 posts
  February 28, 2012 8:06:16 PM EST

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  stkildamum, I have a friend whose girl who was doing this at about the same age. After a few warnings, punishment etc (she was also getting a lot of one-on-one attention and support) The problem escalated when she started stealing from visitors and where they visited. In a hospital she also managed to sneak a little container of shampoo into a woman's handbag which she only discovered when she put her hand into her bag to get her purse to pay for groceries. She could easily have been charged with shoplifting. In sheer desperation one parent rang the Police and "worded them up" while the other parent took them to the Police Station. She was given a good "talking " to --and it worked.
• darcey

  

  • 33 posts
  February 28, 2012 10:03:55 PM EST

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  you poor thing going through this my sister in-law went through the same thing her 2 children out of 3 stealing she is a very strict mother so she decided to take them to the police station but not only that she made them pack their bag before they went to the station i believe that they had a really good talk to them which happened on to diffrent occasions i did think at the time that this was so very mean but you known it gave them a huge wake up call and they never did this again
• AndreaSep78

  

  • 133 posts
  February 29, 2012 2:48:40 PM EST

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  Happy to know that just going in and having the police speak to the kids about it and not actually charging them is reassuring. I have been on constant eggshells with him since our daughter has been born as he has displayed very disturbing behaviour towards her and he knows that if he wants to do something to hurt me then the easiest way is to hurt her.
• Tiffj1

  

  • 343 posts
  February 29, 2012 4:57:00 PM EST

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  Kids who have gone through family problems often act out like this. My brother did worse than that but is now 27 happily married and a head chef. Successful and responsible and no criminal records etc.It is often a cry for help from kids in a way. They act "naughty" as they are confused and unsettled etc by the events and confilcts around them. My parents divorced when my brother was 7 1/2 and it hit him very hard. He was sometimes violent etc as well as some of the behaviours you have described. All I can say is yes punish the bad and reward the good but also perhaps counselling will be for the best so he has an outlet to talk openly about how he feels and any problems he has. Kids can internalise these issues if they think telling loved ones will upset them and then this plays out as bad behaviour.

  I ioften found my brother settled down when I told him I loved him and explained why what he did was wrong. Sometimes reminding kids of the love we have for them is even better than punishment as it may be acting out for attention or feeling lost or left out when there has been divorce (even when parents are treating kids well this can happen when there has been a fracture in family).

  This post was edited by Tiffj1 at February 29, 2012 4:57:00 PM EST
• rosemaryjune

  

  • 109 posts
  February 29, 2012 5:37:05 PM EST

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  Tiffj1, I agree with you about the counselling, but in the case I referred to the girl had already been having counselling in case there was issues, it just took a visit to the Police for a "wake-up" call. But the ......counseller had the Mother sitting in the room listening to the conversation. In many friends' opinion she was the root of part of the cause of some of the problems. She favoured her over the elder one, even though she knew that, she had bragged to relatives about trashing her sister's room so she would get sent to her room to clean it up and she herself would have all of the time to herself with her Mother who often called her "her baby".
• TwinsMumPlus1

  

  • 42 posts
  March 5, 2012 2:44:31 PM EST

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  How much praise do you give him for doing the 'right' thing. Positive rewards work better than attention for negative behaviour. Ie. good boy for using your manners, cleaning your room, playing quietly, playing nicely with his sister, doing school work, etc etc. My best advice is to go to your local library and read "Raising boy" by Steve Biddulph - fantastic book full of into and tips.